Life after ‘The Spoils of War’ and the loot train battle is full of doubt and mystery. This week’s episode named ‘Eastwatch’ aims to re-define strategy and war itself. Yes there will be spoilers up to the episodes aired on HBO, but I will not succumb to the impurities of leaked content.
We pick up where we left off. Jaime, the King Slayer, lives! Ser Bronn of the Blackwater, also known as Jacques Cousteau, was the shadowy figure saving Jaime from Drogon’s blast and rescuing him from river waters deeper than we can possibly fathom. They emerge far away from Field of Fire 2.0 unscathed and undetected by the Dothraki forces. Bronn makes it clear that no ones kills that gold-handed prick until he gets his fockin’ castle!
Tarly Family BBQ
Lord Randyll Tarly and his son Dickon were not so lucky. Along with the remaining few Lannister soldiers they’re given the option to kneel before the Mother of Dragons, or face death by her favorite sons’ breath. Tyrion Lannister, has front row seats to what we now know as the last Tarly family barbecue. The honor with which Lord Tarly and Dickon refuse to kneel almost makes us forget that ole Randyll was vial, racist, despicable person. And with Dickon refusing to leave his father’s side, that’s curtains for yet another house. Let us not forget that Sam is still sworn to the Night’s Watch and has forsaken any claims to tittle or land.
R + L = J
Perhaps the most impactful scenes of this episode are directly linked by the, all but confirmed, theory that Jon Snow is the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark. We’ve seen this in Season 6 episode ‘Winds of Winter’ where Bran goes back to the past to the Tower of Joy. Although we can’t hear what Lyanna whispers in Ned’s ear at her death bed, fans theorize that she says: ‘His name is Jaehaerys’ after the longest reigning Targaryen king.
This Sunday we saw Dany riding back to Dragonstone on Drogon and properly introducing it to Jon. And as the magnificent beast came closer, Johnny reached out with his bare hand and petted him like a giant pitbull. Only confirming that he does indeed have Targaryen blood in his veins for the bond between dragons and Targaryens is rooted in ancient magic. Needless to say that his crush, Dany, is quite impressed that Drogon approves of this new man in her life. Later on the episode Gilly is trying to help Sam through his late hours of study going through maester Maynard’s recordings and among the bowel movements, right after the number of steps in the Sept of Baelor, she finds the nugget of information book fans have been waiting to hear for 21 years.
“Maynard says here that he issued an annulment for a prince “Rah-gur” and remarried him to someone else at the same time in a secret ceremony in Dorne. Is that a common thing in the south or…?”
Sam completely whiffs and cuts her off on a tirade about how he’s had it with the bureaucracy of the Citadel. We all collectively scream as he pays no attention to the biggest bomb and rides out of Old Town with the few books he grabbed at random.
Tom and Jerry
In Winterfell, Littlefinger sees an opening for creating friction between the Stark sisters. Of course he runs with it, chaos is a ladder. The lords of the North, Sansa and Ghost are all frustrated with Jon’s prolonged golf vacation in Pebble Beach amidst a national crisis. The King in the North should be in the North, damn it!!
In Arya’s murderous little eyes, Sansa doesn’t do enough to stand-up for Jon and Arya accuses her older sister of aligning herself with the masses in case Jon doesn’t return. A game of cat and mouse is played by Arya following Littlefinger, uncovering spies in Winterfell including Lord Glover, Lord Royce, maester Wolkan and the note that Sansa was forced to write to the Starks when Ned was arrested for treason in season 1. It is clear that Littlefinger wanted for Arya to uncover this information on her own. It is unclear at this point whether Arya will be able to understand that she is being played. Unlike an episode of Tom and Jerry, we’re not sure which party will get the cheese and which will get an anvil.
The 11th Hour
Bran wargs into a flock of ravens and sees the Night King along with the surprisingly slow army of the dead still marching to towards Eastwatch by the Sea. Eastwatch by the Sea is the one of the three castles by that are still manned at The Wall. Bran finally asks maester Wolkan to send ravens throughout the continent calling for action. If we as fans, were to make decisions for our characters, knowing what we know, this show would have been over in 3 seasons. Just give Lyanna Mormont 3 dragons and she’ll crush the army of the dead. But like any good horror movie, we need our protagonists to constantly make the wrong decisions thus creating imbalance and drama. Why do horror movie scream queens always run away from the masked killer into a house, up the stairs, into a closet!?!?! Tyrion comes up with an even dumber plan:
Let’s get Cersei to join our fight all the way up at The Wall, against something she doesn’t believe to be real, in the middle of our current war.
We can convince her by fishing a zombie out of this army of the dead and transporting it down to King’s Landing for her live show.
But the only way we’ll be able to go to King’s Landing without dying is if we can get Jaime to talk to her. (Cersei doesn’t listen to anyone)
This plan comes from, by far, the biggest loser this season. And that’s only because he stays alive to keep taking L’s. How could these people possibly agree to this idiotic plan? This is the last resort. There is no plan B. Jon has been telling people that global warming and the Wight Walkers are coming and they’re finally listening. Pure desperation. Ser Davos, the famous smuggler, gets Tyrion into King’s Landing and Bronn tricks Jaime into a meeting down in the catacombs. Jaime is furious but the love between brothers is still there. Let us not forget that Jaime was the only person in the world that had Tyrion’s back time and time again. Tyrion offers a cease fire and meeting between the two queens.
As Jaime reports back to Cersei, she reveals that she knew of Tyrion’s presence in King’s Landing and will accept the meeting as an audience with Dany could be to her advantage. She mentions that they need to fight intelligently like Tywin. Let us not forget that Tywin was the one that tricked Aerys into opening the gates to King’s Landing and sacked the city before Ned or Robert had arrived.
Cersei reveals that she is pregnant and Jaime is the father, again. But this time she’s telling Maury that he is the father! As they embrace with emotion she tells him never to betray her again, in true ‘Gone Girl’ fashion. Maggy the Frogg prophesied that Cersei would only have 3 children. Basic arithmetic and my right hand fingers, tell me that something is up with this pregnancy.
Davos goes to Flea Bottom, where he finds our second favorite bastard: Gendry! That little fucker rowed all the way back to where he started. With a recruiting pitch shorter than Tyrion, Gendry is eager to jump into action like a third string QB in week 17. It’s like the guy hasn’t been on screen in several seasons. Davos is not a fighter, but the man is a sweet talker. All of the talking and fermented crab in Westeros won’t stop the guards from identifying Tyrion fockin’ Lannister. Gendry does his best impression of M.C. Hammer and Robert Baratheon. Stop…hammer time!
By way of speedboat, we cut to the Onion boat crew already in Dragonstone. Davos has a whole new identity with a social security number, references, and credit history for Gendry when he meets Jon Snow. Gendry says nevermind Clovis, I’m Gendry, we both bastards, our fathers were pals, were gonna be bffs, check out my hammer!! Ned and Robert were pals. Robert murdered Rhaegar at the Trident. But they’re none of the wiser and become best friends while doing karate in the garage.
Awkward Love Triangles
I remember my first awkward love triangle.
One old boy trying desperately to move out of the friend zone.
One new boy trying to compete with old boy for hot girl’s affection.
One girl who ideally wants a perfect triangle but will likely lose both boys.
We can all relate to all or any of the positions above. Jon and Dany have this thing brewing and all of the sudden here comes Ser Jorah and Dany never looked happier. It is clear that both Jon and Jorah are thinking ‘who da fuck is this asshole?’ Jon starts walking on his tip-toes to look taller.
Jorah volunteers to travel beyond The Wall and bring back a Wight. Which is fucking suicidal, but Johnny is not to be outdone and tells them he’ll lead the expedition. Both idiots.
We have a tender goodbye scene between Jorah and Dany only to be interrupted by a lingering Jon. This may be the last time Dany sees Sir Friendzone. Like a pro, Jon tells Dany that if he doesn’t make it back she won’t have to worry about him anymore, fishing for a reaction.
“I’ve grown used to him.” -Daenerys Targaryen
The Magnificent Seven
Akira Kurosawa’s 1954 film, ‘Seven Samurai’, inspired many re-imaginations of a band of unlikely heroes that come together in a sacrificial, almost suicidal manner, to save complete strangers. Such stories include: The Avengers, A Bug’s Life, Ocean’s Eleven, Pitch Perfect, Suicide Squad, etc. A few of those aren’t suicidal. Pitch Perfect depends on who you ask. My favorite of these movies is Antoine Fuqua’s 2016: ‘The Magnificent Seven’ starring Denzel Washington and Chris Pratt. (Certified Fresh) Unlikely heroes, united for a cause, embarking in a suicidal mission, facing an army against impossible odds.
Jon, Gendry, and Jorah find Tormund, Beric Dondarrion, Thoros of Myr and Sandor Clegane at Eastwatch by the Sea. The baddest motherfucka’s in all of Westeros happen to be in the same room, at the same moment, heading in the same direction. They play six degrees of Kevin Bacon and quickly realize that they all have reasons to hate each other. Unlikely heroes, united for a cause, embarking in a suicidal mission, facing an army against impossible odds.
If you think they all make it back alive, you haven’t seen The Magnificent Seven. If you think this will follow your expectations you haven’t been watching Game of Thrones.