(by J. Huang aka Yellow)
Another week, another glorious episode of Game of Thrones. Bend the knee and follow me into this spoiled rotten recap.
We open with Tyrion and Jon reuniting in Dragonstone. No one loves high school reunions, but there is always one friend who was really close to you and you just haven’t kept up for whatever reason.
J: HEY!! Gosh, you’re alive!!
T: I’m a doctor!
J: I’m a lawyer! Not bad for a dwarf and a bastard!!
T: By the way, how is your sister?
J: Ugh…she’s fine.
T: That whole marriage thing…never consummated.
J: …Fuck you dude.
If you’ll recall the pilot episode, Robert Baratheon and Ned Stark meet in very similar fashion when Ned calls the lord of the Seven Kingdoms fat and they both burst into laughter. In this scene, we as viewers, are assured that Tyrion and Jon are still very much friends and they will have each other’s back when faced with difficult circumstances.
The Red Lady, Melisandre, wisely sneaks out of Dragonstone like she just had a one night stand with one of the dragons. Truth be told, she’s burned some bridges (and little girls) with Jon and Davos. She heads east to Essos but assures us we’ll see her die in Westeros. A fate she will share with lord Varys.
From ‘Pride and Prejudice’ to ‘’You’ve Got Mail’. From ‘10 Things I Hate About You’ to ‘When Harry Met Sally’. Tale as old as time: boy meets girl, boy and girl hate each other, forced to interact, boy and girl fall in love; opposites attract. We’ve rooted for Jon and Dany in parallel for six seasons. We’ve assumed that they’re both on the ‘good’ side, and that they’ll eventually fall in love as if this was another romantic comedy. A song of Ice and Fire, if you will.
Dany heavy handedly, greets Jon with the Dothraki relieving them of their weapons and a flyby from the dragons ala Top Gun! ‘Negative Ghost Rider’. Jon has never looked shorter in this show. In Dragonstone’s main hall, Missandei introduces Dany with titles stacks on titles. Davos, is less impressive as a hype man. Fans took upon themselves to give Jon some titles. My favorite among them: Knower of Nothing.
Through some petty interactions and major eye rolls, millennial Jon refuses to bend the knee to entitled Dany. Roars and cheers were heard all the way from Winterfell! Jon’s mission is to meet Dany, convince her that White Walkers exist, turn her army and dragons away from Cersei and NOT bend the knee. In my experience that would be like going on a blind date, with a crazy chick (she’s still single for a reason), convincing her to buy a timeshare in Fargo, making her pick-up the check and telling her that you should still see other people. We all know that you don’t reveal all your crazy facts on the first date. Jon’s literal resurrection is more of a fourth date factoid. Ironically, a woman who birthed three dragons doesn’t believe in ice zombies.
Word that Euron has crushed the Greyjoy fleet only makes it more clear to Dany that she’s gonna have to play nice with Jon. He can have his Dragonglass, in reality it has no value to her, heck she didn’t even know it was there.
Euron delivers Ellaria and Tyene Sand to Cersei. Yara Greyjoy is alive as well. Cersei won’t marry Euron until the war is over but she prom promises the goods. Euron asks Jaime if Cersei likes it rough? Finger in the back door? Jaime and Euron will absolutely fight at some point.
The Queen’s Justice comes in the form of Hammurabi’s code. No, not the deceased gorilla. That was Harambe. Read a fucking book. Hammurabi’s code: Lex talionis aka ‘an eye for an eye’. Cersei plants a poisoned smooch on Tyene and Ellaria is left in the dungeons to watch her daughter turn to bones. I was expecting a lot of gore and instead saw an emotionally charged scene that was just as effective. This was Cersei’s last opportunity to display her main motivation of the first 6 seasons: her love for her children. That small trace of humanity is gone.
Insane theory: Samwell Tarley is Doogie Howser. One gross, procedure later, Ser Jorah has a clean bill of health.
Not so insane theory: Sam will write A Song of Ice and Fire. We can all but confirm that Sam will be the one cataloging the events following Robert’s rebellion. This is a direct tip of the hat to J.R.R. Tolkien as having a character in the novel actually write the novel. I do believe he will stumble upon information confirming that Jon is in fact Rhaegar and Llyana’s son (R+L=J).
Bran returns to Winterfell as the Three-Eyed Raven. He made it clear to Sansa that he cannot be king. He didn’t tell Sansa that he’s basically become the Jaden Smith of the Starks with the ambiguous, nonsensical verbiage. This awkward reunion is only made more awkward as he robotically describes Sansa’s wedding night with Ramsay. This is enough to trigger Sansa and solidly place a wedge between the two of them. Quite the fortunate situation for Lord Baelish, who continues to hover like a Dateline predator. The
Iron Bank of Bravos sends Tycho Nestoris to Kings Landing to meet with Cersei. The Iron Bank is basically hedging the odds of the war and siding with Cersei! She tells her the debt will be paid in full by the end of the fortnight.
Tyrion narrates how the battle at Casterly Rock would go down should the Unsullied storm the walls head-on. Instead he goes on to explain that he had designed a secret entrance meant for ladies of the night to sneak inside the Rock. A Hoe-Door if you will.
Tyrion’s narration transitions into Grey Worm realizing that something is amiss. Euron and his fleet sneak up and burn the unsullied’s ships stranding them on the opposite side of the continent. The Rains of Castamere begin to play on the background and we’re transported to Jaime, Randall Tarly, Bronn and the full Lannister army marching onto Highgarden. The Tyrell’s defense is as formidable as Kyrie Irving’s. No time is wasted to show battle as Jaime makes his way through the castle faster than Anthony Scaramucci’s tenure in the White House. Finally it’s Jaime and Lady Olenna face to face.
Jaime’s strategy to sacrifice Casterly Rock and take Highgarden was learned from his defeat by Rob Stark. Olenna saves her best for last. When Jaime offers her poison she does not hesitate for a second and chugs the wine goblet like a champ. She also warns Jaime of what a true monster Cersei is possibly setting up the fan theory that Jaime is the valonqar and will be the one to kill Cersei as prophesied by Maggy the frog. The OG finally lets out the bomb that she’s been sitting on for seasons. She is the one that poisoned Joffrey. Even in her death she still wins the scene!!
“Tell Cersei, I want her to know it was me” – Olenna Tyrell