S7E1 – “There’s No Place Like Dragonstone”

S7E1 – “There’s No Place Like Dragonstone”

(by J. Huang aka Yellow)

Originally published July 12th, 2017

Welcome!! This is the weekly recap of HBO’s ‘Game of Thrones’ season 7. SPOILERS ahead you sorry bunch of Freys.

Fans of the show and/or books have grown so emotionally attached to the characters involved in George R.R. Martin’s universe. Sunday’s night are for family; Sunday nights are for Thrones.

As lovely or complicated as your relationship may be with your extended family, there is always anticipation for that annual family reunion. Do we hit the bottle and get deep on the very first night of the GOT family reunion? Let’s start by saying ‘hi’ to every member of the family and giving them the five minutes needed to establish what they’ve been up to since we last saw them.

Your little cousin Arya just came back from her two years studying abroad. She dropped out of school but has really picked up some awesome talents like wine-making, make-up artist and murdering people.

“When they ask what happened tell them the North remembers… Tell them that winter came for House Frey.” -Arya Stark

Arya goes full Jonestown Massacre on the Freys as retribution for the Red Wedding. Don’t drink the kool-aid.

Arya’s list is getting shorter by the episode. Is she finally heading home to Winterfell? Nope, were going south to kill the Queen! It’s Arya, Ed Sheeran and the only guy ugly enough to make Ed Sheeran look fuckable.

Your crazy aunt Cersei has gone bonkers. Uncle Jaime is worried but too chicken shit to stop her. She’s done some remodeling at the house (now that they’re empty-nesters) ripping out the carpet and drawing maps on the floor. The writers changed the tone of the show now that they’ve diverged from the books. The dialogue really brings some levity and humor that had been absent from the show for the last couple of seasons. There is nothing more Lannister than priveledged Jaime and Cersei talking shit about the Frey’s and the Ironborn. Let us not forget that the burn of the night belongs not to a dragon but to Euron Greyjoy!

I have a thousand ships and two good hands! -Euron Greyjoy

We’re all speculating as to what Euron’s gift will be. The obvious answer would be his ‘Great Big Cock’. Others would point to Tyrion Lannister as he was referred to as the gift to Daenerys in Season 6. I’ve also heard from a little bird that the gift may be a horn that controls dragons. Priceless…for everything else in life there is Mastercard.

After ‘Hardhome’ I assumed the army of the dead couldn’t get worse. Things can always get worse.

Your favorite cousin Jon is riding high these days. Living like Drake, King in the North. Sansa can’t help her sassy self and just keeps throwing shade and undermining the hell out of his ass. Doesn’t help that she’s taller than him AND wears six-inch heels. Were all happy for Sansa getting out of that abusive marriage with Ramsay. She’s really learned a lot from her time in NYC. A not-so-real-life Lena Dunham. Though they were brought up in the same house hold, Jon and Sansa could not be any more different in their views and experiences. North vs South. Captain America: Civil War. Captain America: The Winterfell Soldier. Jon Snow vs. Sansa Stark vs. Tony Stark? I’ve been on reddit for too long (smh).

Let’s take a quick inventory:

I’m hoping that at season 7 the writers are done introducing new characters and call back some old favorites. Exhibit A: The Hound and the Brotherhood without banners. I understand how offensive the C-word is; but actor Rory McCann has a talent for delivering the most vulgar insults one can conjure. The Sarah McLachlan Touching Moment of the Night goes to The Hound feeling guilt over ultimately killing that poor farmer and his daughter. I for one, am very interested in The Hound’s redemption story line. I want to see him cut down some wights. I want to see CleganeBowl!!!!!!!

Cousin Bran is the new three-eyed raven and has safely reached the wall. We’re still mad at him for getting Hodor killed, and Summer, and the three-eyed Raven.

No I did not forget about Sam and his awesome shit-soup montage! Lord knows I try to. In true Thrones fashion it is as effective as it is disturbing. We get it. Life isn’t awesome for Sam right now. Life of a med student is literal shit. ‘Jon, you won’t fucking believe where I found more Dragonglass. Dragonstone!! I know!!’

Speaking of call-backs: we have Sir Friend-Zone checking in from his marvelous stay at Club-Citadel. His gross arm reaching through the bars and grabbing Sam sent all the girls in our viewing party off of their seats. Not me though, I didn’t scream at all. In all seriousness, shit looks grim for Sir Jorah.

Last but not least is everyone’s favorite cousin Danny looking fabulous as she returns to Dragonstone. Only took 7 seasons. I loved the fact that she walks past the throne and heads to the war table. Three words: shall we begin?

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